Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Toxic relationships and knowing when to cut bait!
I have never been one for memoirs and have for the most part thought people wrote a more interesting life than they really lead. But while reading Cici McNair's life unfold you realize no one could make this up and would never want anyone to find out that her life is as messy and complicated as everyone else's. Her jobs have been chaotic at times, her love life out of control and fielding the mine field of family dynamics incredibly emotional.
While others look for someone else's life to make them feel better I feel more comfort from knowing that somone else out there knew when to cut out of bad situations and move on. Family is a difficult mine field to maneuver especially when one portion of it is so disfunctional.
My question for today's blog is - when do you leave a toxic relationship regardless if it is your family, friends, jobs, etc.
Please comment because I would love to hear your thoughts.
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Ha. Disfunctional is actually my family's middle name. So much heartache, so many headaches and no sense of compassion. I have learned that family will never be family by blood but by action. I've pushed out all the negativity from my life (yes, even family) and found out real quick that I thrive better in all aspects of my life by staying true to that. When do you end things? The moment you realize there is no fixing the situation...
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteOops, sorry! Technical ineptitude there! What I was trying to say was that this is very topical for me. I'm rivalling Delilah for the dysfunctional family award! I cut my ties with my father years ago after repeated attempts to reconcile didn't work out. There's only so many times you can accept someone letting you down and come back for more heartache. Even so, it still hurts me. I'm not exactly happy with other family relationships either and am thinking about what to do. It's a really difficult subject. So hard to sever all ties but if it's poisoning your life...
ReplyDeleteHey Mary,
ReplyDeleteInteresting question. Toxic relationships can really drain you. Some are harder to break off, such as family relationships, but even breaking off ones with friends can prove difficult. However, if you find yourself expending too much energy, and becoming more negative yourself, it's in your own best interest to ease them off at least.
Last weekend I was at my son and daughter in law's open house. While talking to one of his friend's who came in for the occasion it was interesting to hear his comment that the reason he feels his life has turned out so successful is because he left the friends that were dragging him down. I really questioned him about this and he was of the total mind set that the only way he would be seen as an adult and be forced to grow up and take care of himself was to leave the past behind. While he loved the past he had to part with it.
ReplyDeleteThe man has made a total success of his life post college and at age 28 he is getting ready to start a capital venture and start his own company.
This made me think that there are times that even though you may love someone is that person a hindrance to your growth or a help.
This is definitely true for anyone in a bad relationship or surrounded by family that is just pure poison.
Thanks Bonnie for your thoughts they really made me think of even more things to talk about.
Family is a quandry.
Just an observation--When my husband and I were dating, and then after we got married, he struggled with his relationship with his father--who tends to be very selfish and over-the-top. There were many big blow-ups and not speaking for extended periods of time. At some point in time, my husband decided that if he wanted to have a relationship with his father (which he did), he would have to accept him the way he was--because it was obvious that at 60+ years old, his father was not going to change. Since my husband consciously made that decision, he has gotten away from the emotional roller coaster. Not that there aren't still times when he would like to strangle his father--but I think he now feels that he is in more control of their relationship. It has also made him a much better father with our children. (P.S.--we also named our dog after him--so when the dog get's into trouble, we can let some aggression out by yelling my father-in-laws name . . . )
ReplyDeleteFamily is such a quandry in our lives. We try hard to deal with the baggage and in some ways we do but in others we completely fail. Would it be better to be an only child and have all that attention devoted to you - absolutely not. My mother is an only child and when she had children it was almost unbearable for her to share attention that she felt was rightfully hers.
ReplyDeleteSo is there a correct number of children - again, absolutely not because everyone's situation deems what is appropriate but the best way to deal with what is dragging you down is to put that baggage on wheels. I swear that once I realized no matter what my mother would love me, that my siblings could fight over who she loved best and my mother herself could deal with the competition she felt towards me. I am done with it. She refuses to change not for a lack of needing to or an ability to but simply because she doesn't want to.
The only child is justified in thinking the world revolves around them because for the most part it does. However they are wrong for expecting that while we may give them special treatment that special treatment is expected to be returned.
In Cici's book her situation involved so much verbal abuse and emotional turmoil that it amazed me she can tie her own shoes but apparently the woman can tie her own shoes after she has performed a number of amazing feats before breakfast.